helicopter parenting
I had to laugh out loud this morning while reading the Wikipedia definition of a "Helicopter Parent", but after reading a bit further I found myself not feeling quite so amused as I recognized a few bits and pieces of myself in one of the articles. First, the definition (which I did find most hilarious!):"A helicopter parent is a term for a person who pays extremely close attention to their child or children, particularly at educational institutions. They rush to prevent any harm from befalling them or letting them learn from their own mistakes, sometimes even contrary to the children's wishes. They are so named because, like a helicopter, they hover closely overhead, rarely out of reach whether their children need them or not.
An extension of the term, Black Hawks (for the combat helicopter of the same name), has been coined for those who cross the line from a mere excess of zeal to unethical behavior such as writing their children's college admission essays."
I found this one line particularly haunting: "The rise of the cell phone is often blamed for the explosion of helicopter parenting — it has been called "the world's longest umbilical cord""
Now, let me just say right off the bat that I am certainly no "Black Hawk", but I followed one of the links to an article entitled Are You A Helicopter Parent? and I found that I am guilty on at least one count:
- You are in constant contact with your child. Cell phones have led to frequent communication between parents and children. If you dial your child's number every day or multiple times each day, then you are hovering. And if your child calls home at any sign of stress or trouble, you are likely overinvolved.
To be honest, I do generally hear from my college-age son at least once per day (though I would say it's about a 50-50 split on which one of us is calling the other). And earlier this week, he called me on his way to work to ask me to log in and check his registration time for Fall classes (he is currently taking a summer course and the date snuck past him). Upon checking, I found that registration had already begun several days earlier, and since classes fill so rapidly, he asked me to go ahead and schedule his classes, which he would further evaluate once he got home from work. So yikes! -- guilty again: "registering their children for classes".
Oh well, at least I'm not going on job interviews with him (or for him!), or trying to negotiate his salary! :)
This has definitely given me some food for thought, particularly since I still have two more kids coming up in the ranks.
posted by my imperfect offering at 8:38 AM
5 Comments:
As they say, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. I'm sure even the "Black Hawks" aren't overly involved for malicious reasons.
Schools have become so much more competitive now, and not just from an academic point of view. Competition for jobs after college, diversity goals (can't say quotas), liberal immigration (dots, not feathers), and here in Georgia at least, the Hope Scholarship. This latter factor means that many more high school grads that wouldn't have thought about going to college now have the means to do so, at least for the first year. There are so many influences making the playing field uneven, who could blame a parent for trying to even the odds, and maybe a little more just in case.
Anyway, hard to say when doing enough for your kids becomes doing too much. You love your kids and want the best for them, and hate to see them fail.
It's like bicycle helmets. In the previous generation, you didn't think twice about riding your bike or roller skating without a helmet. Now, kids have to be suited up with padding on every joint just to have fun. (perhaps I exaggerate a tiny bit) Statistics say (making this up) that a lot of childhood injuries come from falling off bicycles; statistics say a lot of "kids" leave college after their freshmen year.
What's a caring parent to do?
I also thought the term Helicopter Parent was hilarious. For hovering in the education department, I see the times I tried to get B. to go into engineering because of her talent in math and physics without considering her desires. I changed my natural smothering behavior by attending Al-Anon by the time B. turned 16. The big lesson I got from this loving 12 Step Program was Not to do for others what they could do for themselves and Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events. If I am always there with the answer, then I don't give her time to make her own choices and live with the consequences. It builds self esteem. I had to change my language from "here's what you should do" to "what do you think you should do?" (I did much better staying out of her business around school than I did around my opinions on her high drama romantic relationship - I want for her to have ((Insert my definition of happiness here)) and can't seem to keep my mouth shut)
I think helicopter parents are giving what they felt they didn't get as a child. I do wonder what the effects on the next generation will be. Will these kids grow up to be narcissistic since they have been the star in their own movie for so long that they expect everyone to treat them as such? Will they be late or never bloomers because they never had the chance to make and trust their own choices?
I thought it was a funny term - even though it is the first time I heard (yeah, yeah, I know, get with the program).
We certainly hear about "black hawks" at sporting events - where parents beat up or otherwise assault the coach, referee, or other players.
The problme is that as parents we cannot stop loving our kids. No matter how old or young they are, they are always "our kids" and it doesn't matter if they happen to be 80, 90 or 110.
My mom would like it if I called more often (Sofia calls her more than I do). My sister calls her daily. Probably pretty unusual for a guy who lived at home until he was 26 (uncommon in this culture - common in others. Unrelated but ... Did you know that Jesus was Italian? He lived at home until he was 30, went out drinking with 12 of his buddies, and his mother thought he was god. - maybe it helps to have certain sterotypes about Italians)
I don't think staying in touch daily is necessarily a bad thing. Like most things, it really depends on how it is done.
I read the article and I agree that (most) parents are raising their children with no responsibility, but then in the same breath I am slightly offendid. I think that my parents raised me to have responsibility but that also could be fault of birth order....I totally believe in the birth order personality traits. I have never asked my parents to help me any more than financial school stuff. I am not proud of living at home with my parents and it makes me disappointed in myself for it. But the fact is children these days are babied, butfor good reason. My mom told me a story of how when her family was going on a vacation, she was like 8 and she pissed my grandfather off pretty good that he stopped the car and let her out and he kept driving for about ten minutes and then went back and got her. You can't do that anymore. People take children. Life is just a little more dangerous now. but that is no excuse for a 26 yr old to be still living at home with their parents. and I must say... its a HUGE turn-off.
Oh, Pink, I would never put you in the same category as the article was talking about. You are very self-reliant and self-motivated. But I do understand what the article is saying about parents who rush to the rescue when their young-adult offspring make mistakes, preventing them from really learning from them. I know I have done my share of this, and I do think in hindsight that perhaps I shouldn't have. But then again this job didn't come with an instruction manual so I suppose we are all just doing the best we can.
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